Sake!
by wayofthepen
Summary: A series of oneshots that illustrate why alcohol should be enjoyed only in moderation. Crack, in case you couldn't guess. Rated for drunken mayhem.
1. Ise Nanao

Wow. I never realized how hard it is to write a good crackfic, I hope I got the feeling right.

* * *

"Oh…my head…"

Untangling herself from the bed sheets, Ise Nanao clutched her throbbing skull with both hands all the way to the bathroom. She could remember going to the women's association meeting, but after that…and the sun was just now coming up so at least a day had gone by.

A small bottle, sitting on a note proclaiming it a 'hangover helper' awaited her next to the sink, and Nanao was horrified at the realization that she'd actually touched alcohol.

On top of that, she'd had enough to get drunk.

And on top of **that, **she'd done it while on duty.

She drank the foul concoction, bathed and changed her clothes with record speed, flash-stepping to the eighth division headquarters to make sure she arrived on time. She went straight for her captain's office and hoped, for just one day, he would manage some small amount of decorum and not make her feel worse then she already did. She knocked politely and entered when called, standing in front of her captain's desk calmly as he stood looking out the window, his back to her. Waiting for the fallout of the worst blunder she'd ever made in an otherwise exemplary career.

"How do you feel, Nanao-chan?"

Kyouraku's tone was perfectly calm and polite, which only made her feel worse.

"I'll be fine. Thank you, for what you left for me. Sir, I must apologize deeply for-"

"No. It's not your fault. _Someone _spiked your drink while you were at the association meeting."

"Oh! Then, I didn't…"

"Of course not!"

His tone changed suddenly, the lighthearted voice she knew all too well that preceded grade-A headache material. He turned to face her, and she was startled at the sight.

"I knew my dear Nanao-chan would never do something like drink while on duty."

He was wearing his captain's coat, but the top half of his uniform was gone, leaving his chest bare. He'd also shaved, and apparently taken quite a bit of time cleaning himself up as well.

"T-Taichou?"

"So think nothing of it! Now come along, we've quite a lot to do today."

* * *

At first, she'd hoped it was all a bad dream, or a sake-induced hallucination. But by the looks of the shinigami they passed, she knew it wasn't just her imagination. 

"Ah, Ukitake! You're looking well today."

Nanao turned to see that Ukitake **was **looking well, and he wasn't wearing a shirt either. The two friends chatted for a few minutes as if nothing was amiss, and Nanao was too bewildered to say anything, simply following her captain and trying to dodge the young girls that were busy staring at the half-naked captain of the 13th division.

They had a full schedule that day, mostly making rounds to the other divisions for small meetings on an assortment of matters, and for every minute, every hour of that day that passed, things just got more and more surreal.

Hisagi Shuuhei was giving bare-chested sword lessons to the lower ranks in his division, the girls among them watching with rapt attention.

Hinamori Momo held a wad of bloody tissues close at hand as she tended to her duties under a smiling, shirtless Aizen.

A scowling Hitsugaya did his very best to keep the academy student's attention on the lecture and not his nipples while Matsumoto sat on one side with a faraway smile on her face.

And as the two arrived at the 6th division's headquarters, and Nanao thought for one moment she'd finally meet someone rational. Instead, she finally got to see the rest of Renji's tattoos as he stood sulking, muttering something under his breath about surpassing Kuchiki-taichou, who was the object of interest for every woman (and a few men) in his squad as he gave a stone-faced lecture on squad discipline, chest bare to the world and captain's coat waving in the breeze.

* * *

Kyouraku Shunsui looked on with sadness at the nervous wreck that was his lieutenant. You'd think she'd appreciate the effort he'd put into this. After all, he had been saving that particular piece of blackmail material on Kuchiki-taichou for upwards of three hundred years. 

Hitsugaya-taichou was a little trickier, but even with Hinamori helping out, it had been a smile from Matsumoto that had crumbled his resolve, strangely enough. The rest were only too happy to oblige, though Yama-jii would probably have his head on a platter when he found out.

Still, Kyouraku knew it had been the most fun Seireitei had seen in a hundred years, at least. He sat down at his desk after ordering Nanao home to bed, moving to steal a kiss and accepting the resulting book over the head without complaint. Apparently, throughout it all, she hadn't remembered the previous day's events, which as probably for the best.

* * *

"Assembled captains! If I may have your attention for a moment!" 

The captains of the Gotei 13 looked up in surprise as Ise Nanao burst into the meeting, red-cheeked and swaying slightly. On the right, waiting impatiently for the meeting to end, Kyouraku Shunsui gaped in surprise, recognizing her condition instantly.

His always-responsible and well-behaved Nanao-chan was completely **smashed.**

"I have just come from the weekly shinigami women's association meeting, and-"

"There she is!"

Matsumoto and Isane flickered into the room, leaping towards Nanao, arms outstretched. Nanao dodged to the side and her two would-be captors fell to the floor in a heap. High-pitched giggling announced that Yachiru had also arrived, bouncing over the two women on the floor and scrambling up to Zaraki's shoulder, securing herself a nice vantage point to keep watch.

"Do you mind? As I was saying…"

She clumsily yanked a piece of paper from her robes, pushing her glasses up with her other hand in a motion that nearly knocked her over backwards.

"It is the opinion of the women's association that certain officers, henceforth referred to as 'hotties' to use the modern vernacular…"

Soifon appeared behind her, but a sudden motion left Soifon grabbing empty air as Nanao wobbled out of reach.

"Shall, in the future, when not attending formal functions, be required to go shirtless to improve morale in the Gotei 13. Oh, and my apologies for the interruption. That...is all."

Nanao started to bow and finished by falling face-forward, Kyouraku flash-stepping to catch her before she hit the ground. He hoisted his unconscious lieutenant into his arms at the same time Unohana and Nemu arrived, who helped the two women on the ground to their feet.

Silence reigned until Yamamoto cleared his throat, looking over each of the women in turn, too shocked for outrage and too surprised for humor.

"Would any of you care to explain-"

Yachiru's hand shot into the air, waving back and forth.

"Kusajishi-fukataichou?"

"It was **sake!"**

"Quite..."

"Yamamoto-soutaichou, if I may take care of my lieutenant…"

Yamamoto sighed, waving Kyouraku away and trying to remember what he'd been saying before the meeting was interrupted, resolving to handle this matter he'd had a drink himself.

* * *

Once Nanao was gone, Kyouraku laid the rumbled list of chosen men carefully into a hidden drawer that even his lieutenant didn't know about. 

He'd have to save it for something extra-special one day.


	2. A young Soifon

Soifon tried to lift her head, but the world spun and she dropped back down, burying her head in the pillows she'd been resting on. She could barely remember the night's events…Yoruichi-sama had been invited to a noble's party, and invited Soifon in turn, apologizing to her bodyguard with a smile as she set Soifon between herself and a group of loud, ill mannered, disrespectful and completely drunk noblemen…

Oh, kami no…

She was attending a gathering of nobles with Yoruichi-sama, and she had gotten herself **drunk?! **She'd accepted that tiny amount of sake only to be polite, but what had she been thinking?! Of all the times and places to fail in her duty…the disrespect she'd shown…the scandal that would result…Yoruichi-sama must be **furious** with her!

Soifon dug herself deeper, pushing the pillows around her aching head, trying not to think of what awaited her. At least, she tried to, but even through the haze and going by touch alone, a part of her brain registered that the pillows wouldn't move the way she wasted them too.

Soifon tilted her head upward, trying to focus, and was immediately confronted by Yoruichi's smiling face.

"Hey."

"Y-Yoruichi-sama! I'm so sorry! I-"

Yoruichi laid a hand on her head and gave a gentle rub, her grin widening.

"Actually, I never wanted to go in the first place. But you know how nobles can be…Thank you, for giving me the chance to leave."

"You…you looked after me? But that's…"

"It's no problem."

Soifon's face flushed with embarrassment at the thought of Yoruichi having to look after her, and she tore herself away from the smiling face, occupying herself with getting the pillows to move. The problem, it turned out, was quite simple.

The 'pillows' were attached to Yoruichi's _chest._

"Comfortable?"

Soifon jerked her hands away with a cry of surprise and sat up, too fast, Yoruichi catching her before she could fall again.

"No…this isn't happening…it's not…"

Soifon looked down at her commander's wry smile, startling as she was lowered back down.

"Relax."

Soifon was shaking as she came back down to rest on Yoruichi's chest, keeping her hands well away from her commander's body.

"Go to sleep, it's just a dream…"

"Just a…dream?"

"Mmmhmm."

"A dream…"

Yoruichi smiled as she felt Soifon relax, but frowned as she suddenly lifted herself up and leaned forward.

"Is it really? Even if it is, I shouldn't…"

"Shouldn't what?"

"My apologies, Yoruichi-sa…_Yoruichi…_"

And before Yoruichi could react to the new expression on Soifon's face, the girl dropped and clamped her mouth over her commander's lips hungrily, hands already roaming over her body. The shock passed by the time Soifon's mouth had moved to her neck, and Yoruichi rested two fingers on the base on the girl's skull, whispering the words to a binding spell.

* * *

"Pleasant dreams…"

Yoruichi took the girl to her room and put her into bed, peering once more at the sleeping form before she closed the door behind her and headed for her own room, smiling in the dark.

"But not _too _pleasant, alright?"


End file.
